Alright this will be a angsty post. I don't like angsty stuff but since this is my blog I'm free to angst all I want so I shall! I couldn't quarrel with others in real life because my thoughts could never organsie themselves straight before I blurt them out. That is also why I would so much rather be an author or artist than some political, social person. I don't like crowds (well not too much crowds at least) and I shall stay away from them thus.

It has largely to do with family relationships. Before I go any further, I shall claim first that I do love my parents very much indeed. And there is no limit I would go to think about their welfare. But there is some -a lot actually- points that I could not agree with them at all. Not a single bit. I really really really detest their way of educating children. I never gave that much thoughts about this issue but whatever that happened recently changed my mindset about a lot of things.

They are great parents. My father is a genius at mathematics and my mother care about me more than anyone else in the family. They are generally on great terms with each other and hardly quarrelled. To be honest I couldn't ask for more for a perfect family relationship. They have their strengths, they are wise, kind and score well being caring parents. My father's income is nothing to be boasted off (not too poor though, just an average earning). We do not live in condos, nor own a car, nor vacation to some Europe country yearly, but I would so much rather have them than any of some rich parents who could hardly spend anytime with their children due to work commitments. They shaped me into a sensible and empathetic person. Those many life lessons my mother taught me would be treasured forever. They are repetitive, naggy, and sometimes annoying. However sooner or later I would realise at some point of my life that it is actually very helpful. I pride myself being something more than a vase (alright I don't even slightly resemble a vase, also not really the pretty-type. Much regretted, but not exactly too concerned). I think. I learn to tolerate. And I will fully credit my parents for bring about this lifeskills to me.

But nonetheless they have their own faults too. Radical, impulsive judgement, prideful. To them, their greatest concern about me is my grades, and there is nothing wrong about that. In fact, I should be very much worried if they are not concerned about it. After all, I acknowledge my position as a student is to excel in studies too. And as a matter of fact, I do like studying. It is fun to learn about new things, and I would be pretty bored if otherwise. But as I grow up, I decided that I am not studying for grades. Once upon a time, grades are of huge importance to me indeed, because I did not have a direction in life yet. What do I become when I grow up? What shall I do for a living? How much do I want to earn? Those questions used to revolve around the axis of my existence. But now I have locked my target to become an artist. And driven my motivation I shall move towards that goal.
It clashes very much with my parents' ideology. They think that the sole purpose of a student is to study, and therefore to excel. This view point of theirs also lead to several sub-imperfection of theirs.

First of all, my parents just could not take failures, no matter the reason. I was involved in selling at Cosfest prior to my mid-year exams. And being a first-timer at such a big event, it is natural that I spend a lot of efforts and time on shaping it. I want to make that a memorable experience with my group mates. None of us wanted to mess it up and fail to earn a profit. For the first time, I am actually earning my own money based of my ability to draw. It is an extremely satisfactory feeling. I am proud of it. But the price came in exchange for my grades. Also this time round of mid-years are being pushed almost a month in advance. We hardly finished our first round of exam which lasted for one month till the end of April, and now we were thrown the Mid-years immediately. I am not adequately prepared. Furthermore the June holidays (the exams are just one week right after the June hols) were a great distraction to my studies. I can't help it, some days I just can't concentrade, holidays are such days. Besides I am still slackening down from my first. Too bad for me, I am not one with stamina unfortunately. To make the whole situation worse. Half of the block tests were ridiculously hard, especially Physics. I wasn't particularly shocked (but sad all the same) when I reclaimed back my paper. I tried to explain all to my parents, but they are not understanding. Nope, its your duty to ensure your study. Nope, studying will only get harder. Nope,who asked you to put so much efforts into your art. Nope nope nope nopetty nope. Mmmm it gets kinda even more depressing
about talking to them, as if I don't feel tragic enough already.

Secondly, they do not believe in comforting a child. Instead, reprimandation is their solution to everything.
I hardly fail tests, and trust me, no one feels exhiliarated when they do. Some may not care, but I have enough pride in me to feel really guilty and horrible. Let me try to describe how I feel when I received my math paper back. It is this dull feeling in the pit of your stomach that hurts more than being stabbed at. I felt like crying every now and then about it, questioning my intelligence, my worth, why others can do so better, why I am at the bottom of the group. It is depressing really. My parents used to cane me when I did not do well in school back when I was young. I thought that pain was the worse this you can feel. But apparently I never tasted the feeling of failure. It hurt tenfolds more, especially when I consider how much it will affect my overalls. However, my parents being them, they considerately decided I need more reprimands to wake myself up. The thing is, I am no longer a primary school kid. I know that studying is for myself and none others. I can fail all I want, I can give not a single damn about my grades, but at the end of the day the only one to suffer would be me. I enough time already punish and mopping around feeling miserable about myself. I so desperately wish they could spare a few kind words. Just a "I am sure you will do better next time", or "Don't give up!" would do. So cliche, so simple, so commonly-used in mushy composition writings. I laugh at essays with such conversations in, but surprisingly at times like this I really really yearn it so much. I'm not saying I don't deserve what I get after failing so horribly, but just that few sentence at the end of the lecture could make a whole bunch of difference to me. Contrary to what they would probably think that I will take this as an advantage to interpret them as going soft on me, I would actually work double the effort to make up for this failure. Because I know I have disappointed them, but then I'd know that they are still hopeful in me, that I can still convince them I am worthy to be their child, their pride and joy. But no, they refuse to say that few words. Hardly once did any arguements turn out fine because they refuse to reconciliate or be gentler even right till the end. Not lovely.

Thirdly, they form judgement faster than you can snap your fingers. Failed an exam for the first time (probably the only), you will not get a university education, thus you will have sell vegetables at the market while your friends earn tens of thousand of income per month, thus you will be wasted, thus you will become a useless person in future. Wow. My life has just been planned. Not exactly the way I wanted it but nehhh, they are parents, their words speaks all, listen to them, they are right, even when they are obviously wrong. I'm typing this paragraph as my father said the exact words (more or less) to me. They don't wait for explanations. But truthfully I don't feel like explaining to them once they expressed their immediate scorn and disgust when I told them about my marks. Maybe next time we should converse in a dark room. It saves a lot of my feelings, really.
I just wish that they can take time to listen to my voice and take it into consideration, instead of jumping into conclusion and auto-assumed me to be the evil one. Because sometimes even when they do listen, they don't consider it. And in the end it all links back to me.
Fourthly, control-freaks they are
For goodness sake I'm 16 already! No I'm not yet that extreme as to start demanding for a boyfriend and partying late into the night and smoking and drugging and whatever shit. But I just want my basic rights as a teenager, the very very basic that they do have the ability to provide. I wouldn't ask for anything that is beyond their capability, like perhaps a personal room or expensive camera etc. I just want them to stop frequently looking over my shoulders whenever I'm using Internet, and also a decent handphone with a student plan because per-paid runs out too fast. They claimed that restricting my mobile phone and Internet usage is so that I won't be able to communicate too much with my peers. I don't get it, doesn't every 16-year-olds does that? Besides, it is not as if I'll stick my face into them 24/7. I hardly glance at my phone during the day. I want a best one simply for the ease of calling and sending (right now mine is an old Nokia from 7 years ago with NOT EVEN Bluetooth.) They have to check my messages constantly and browser history(which I clear frequently because I'm not risking them onto Tumblr :/.) Even that barely minimum of privacy they refuse to give.
Next, they do not forgive nor forget. I honestly have no idea how they can bring up something so long ago and use it as a factor to add on to my crime. I carelessly spent away $400 from my own bank during AFA two years ago. Even now whenever I request for money, or to buy any thing, my mother would drag up that $400 incident and demand why did I not save any money. I literally had to grovel and beg for them to spare that $10 to watch a movie. Also a reason why I hate asking my parents for money so much, and why I decided to booth during Cosfest, to earn enough money so I do not have to beg my parents for money so often (But they made me save it again). It feels so wretched to have my mistake renounced to me over and over again, as if I do not get the point. Linking with the previous point, they need to know when to stop. I owed them so much in my life, and I hate owing them. I could never repay the debt of their upbringing but I want to owe them as little as possible. Back to the point, this is one area which I am so different than them. I'm willing to forgive, though not forget exactly. People hurt me in the pass. But I am still willing to give them a chance if they change. I believe in second chances. How many of you do? Unfortunately my parents aren't one who accepts apologies.

And lastly, their words are hurtfully harsh. My mom called me an ungrateful brat simply because I did not immediately plan to treat them to the money in some way after I earned it during Cosfest. Hell no, of course I will think about them, just that my mind hasn't slowed down from the giddy rush of excitement getting the money before she pointed out to me that I owe them for my success in Cosfest (see, owing again) in a way I don't. I didn't even ask them for the cost price money because they would not give it to me without torturing me with an hour of lecture on not saving up again. I relied solely on my skills to draw and my groupmates to make this a success. Not once in this whole process until I printed out my merchandise did they say a word of praise. Never did they say anything good about me drawing actually. I don't understand how I owed them this time. And she said because they raised me up, clothed me and fooded me. This excuse was used so many times I'm heartening sick of it. And so, I told her I am reluctant to be generous over my money, especially when she emphatised so much about that issue. There goes, she called me a "white-eyed wolf" (forgive me I don't even know where that description come from but it means basically someone who forget their parent's efforts spent on them) Which I most certainly isn't. Even till my last breath I would support my parents when they grow old, however little my earnings may be, I will definitely contribute to them. Anyone who dares to harm them must step over my dead body first. This is the extent of how much I love my family. Ungrateful? hmmm fair enough.
My dad questioned whether I am his own daughter for failing the test. Yes he never failed his. He is literally a genius. He deserve so much more than what he is now. A graduate of the top University in China, rising up among to ashes of his poverty-stricken district. Jesus Christ my dad is such a proper genius isn't he? I am downright proud to be his daughter. (btw if you are thinking of sarcasm no I'm not, I really feel proud of him) But my love for him does not stop me from being horribly hurt when he made a comment like that. I'm sorry for not living up to your expectations. But maybe you could just discover that my strength is more prominent in other areas? Not everyone is born an academic genius.
Those two remarks are the most hurtful and unsensitive ones I ever recieved from anyone. People may call me a bitch, an idiot, stupid, whatever. I would just brush them off and tell them to count the number of fucks I give (oops, none).
But those two words struck deep into my heart. A scar that repeatedly hurts whenever I think about it. Of all things I can tolerate, this two sentences are not included.
I used to read articles about stereotype asian parents and scorn at it. Surely they are over-exaggerating? Ever heard of the Tiger mom? Thank Lord I'm not her daughter. It would be pretty devastating for me, with an attitude like mine. Music, honour, grades, pride, achievements, grades, positions. Thats all their life seem to mean. Of course, I'm in no position to comment in-depthly about her actions. I'm sure she done it out of love for her children (and maybe pride for herself too?) also I have no idea the enjoyments they will have now, being top in the world, airy and classy.
But that is not what my ideology of life. I want to be special, to shine, to make an impact too. But I don't want to achieve that by going out of my way trashing others under my feet. I want grow with people around me, share their sympathies and see what I can do to help them. At the end of the day, if I ever stand out, it wouldn't because I aimed for it. What I aim for is how well I managed the process. I want to outshine myself, not others.
My parents would probably consider those words as childish or immature. Perhaps years down the road, if so happens that I too, was forged into a product of the society,I would too cringe at my own naiveness of me perspective of life as a 16-year-old. That would be scary, that would be the last thing I wanted to become. That is also why I am terrified of growing up, when I will eventually receive the onslaught of reality at full force and be driven out of my mind by its constriction and practical means. And the cycle will repeat with me and my child, and so on. And so on. And so on.