I am very much convinced that there are assholes out there. Definitely. But I am equally convinced that for every asshole there will be two nice people who made me feel unjust claiming this is a horrible world. Thats how I survive my days mostly.

Well making friends is a terrifying experience for me. When your relations build up so smoothly you are going to wake up each day fearing what happen if the link break today. Will you be able to handle the emotional collaspe, will you be angry or guilty, will you ever be able to repair that link. Such insecurities.

I don't know whether I am overreacting this or not but I really felt so hurt and punched-in-the-face today. So it happens that we are having Teachers' Day rehearsal and we are doing the final part where the whole class come out to sing. So I dragged this closer friend of mine to the front of the stage where I don't know I'm not supposed to be there (because I thought the actors are supposed to stand in front well.). But apparently she just flung out this sentence demanding why I keep wanting to shift in front, whether I am just plain attention-seeking. That was literally a slap right across. I don't know, declaring me attention seeking is a really sensitive thing to me because it is exactly the worst trait I am trying to run away from, and past experiences caused by it was really terrible and horrendous that I simply hate being attention-seeking, and subconsciously I know I am not doing a very good job at that. To hear that coming from someone I considered closer was really painful. I can't even feel angry about her, it just feel sad and empty. Days ago we were friends and now such a sentence just rained down upon me like that, I don't even know whether to trust myself completely to any other "friends" anymore.

You know when you badly want to be charismatic and socially not-awkward and on better terms with majority of the class so that you can talk/compliment them without feeling nervous but apparently you are fucking more socially awkward than anything in the universe. There were those times I want to dance and sing on stage, to flounce, to show others my capability, to make them feel like laughing. But it struck me hard that I am just not cut out for that sort of stuff and basically not cut out for interacting. Its like you have a desire to speak out but you will only make a fool of yourself and you still do sometimes anyway. I really tried not to think how many people in the class see me irritating. Whenever I speak I am always the second important, like if someone interrupt me, whoever I am speaking to will turn away immediately to respond to that person, and henceforth forgetting about my existence after that and I will just try to fade away into the background noise or something. My opinions are rarely considered, and whenever I try to initiate a project it would either conclude with me screwing up or someone else taking over.


I tried convincing myself that I found someone everytime I grow on some friendlier terms with them. But at the end of the day it just doesn't come out well. Friends. Friends...guhhhh why must everything be so complicated where you have to guess and guess and risk the thoughts of other people.


Nah....they are not fake or anything. They are nice really, and good, good people. I like them. My classmates are cool people, I think the bestest in the level. But it is just extra hard for me to find someone of similiar wavelength, so most of the time although I fool and muck around, deep down I'm still really segregated from them by this imaginary veil or something. How I see things are really different from others and I doubt no one can really understand me though most of the time that is okay, it can get very upsetting sometimes.

BUUUUUT

nope nope depressing stuff isn't all that happens with my classmates you know. Sometimes they can be so good that I can't be more proud that I am in this class. This girl, Lesley, is a really brilliant musician. Probably the best I've ever seen. I have been to music concerts, those performed by really really professional and good pianists. But none of them struck me particularly impressive ever.

But this Lesley, I doubt its bias or anything, is really amazing. Just. Amazing. I hope she doesn't read this. Its kinda embarassing. The tunes she played was so strong and powerful. It is as though she had become the piano and its almost as though the piano is playing her instead of the other way round. What she played doive those notes of passion, you can feel it, and emotions into the auditorium. They said that the highest standard music can get is to really wipe everything else momentarily from your mind and you literally sink into the music. Well that is how I felt today. For once I actually really appreciated music, that coming from someone who have not a single ounce of musical cells in her body yes. I can almost see colours coming out of her music. This deep velvety rich red, matching the drapes of our auditorium behind her. She seems mesmerised by her own swirl of music. And it was really breathtakingly choking.

See, life is not so bad after all? I felt like crying when I was typing the front bit but eventually I turned around at the latter. Solving things again, all by myself. And its all alright. alright. alright really

Labels: life, school