If there is one thing that sucks worse than being sorted into the last category in your class grades list, that is not being sorted anywhere at all.

So today during chinese lecture our class is divided into 3 groups: The As, the Bs and the Cs and below. For some freaking reason I haven't been performing well in chinese this term (its fucking embarassing okay.) and I winded up in the last category. So I was walking in depression to the lecture hall and when I reached there, they said I am NOT in the list, and neither am I in the B category as well! But I as so positive my form teacher put my name in the Cs and when she saw me she told me I am in B. I was trying to explain to her that the teacher in B said my name isn't on the B list. Guess what, my form teacher impatiently dismissed me because she is BROWSING ON WEIBO (fyi its like twitter for China). She sound really annoyed and dissed at me because I am interrupting her scrolling and putting up a very bitchy frowny face, all while her eyes are trained on twitter.

AND SO I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO FOR THAT SESSION.
But luckily the teacher who is in-charge of taking the As kindly took me in. I love her omg, her voice is not as high and she let me get the point.

Okay I've been tolerating my form for a really long time but this is the last straw. As a teacher she shouldn't place Weibo>students (I mean, times there are when I use my iPad in class but it is when either she isn't talking directly to me and often nothing of importance at all). She once mentioned my name to another class when I failed my failed my situation writing, citing me as a negative example. I mean, I don't mind if she used my marks but holy is it really necessary to point out my name?! That is degrading alright, I have no idea how to face that class anymore (it is next door somemore ugh) and I have to collab with some of them because of some scholarship thing. And as if I am not annoyed enough, she have to constantly use me as example for bad writing in my own class. (It isn't just me, she used so many other students who are weaker in chinese and make the situation so awkward that I wish she could just shut up for the sake of my classmates)

Screw this shit my Chinese isn't bad at all even, I just keep writing out of point and hence losing all the marks. But that does NOT mean she can just humiliate me, credits to her I really hate the subject now (the language is nice tho). And I'm not even being sour. Getting low grades is one thing, I don't really mind that because I will try to figure out where my problem lies. I won't hate a subject because my grades are poor... But getting low grades and humiliated at the same time is another, it is so demoralising and now I'm not motivated to do anything remotely Chinese-ish at all.

Maybe she doesn't know its humiliating. But she should.

Labels: chinese, school

I haven't cried over not knowing how to do homework for a very very very very long time.  And this is the first time in many years that I almost broke down doing Physics.

I mean seriously, I spent the whole afternoon trying to tackle ONE FUCKING TURNING EFFECT chapter. I just couldn't get it straight. I don't hate physics, but when I spent an entire afternoon figuring out something it does mean I'm having a serious trouble here.

Moments moments moments what the hell is wrong with you. I never that I actually say swear words at a subject topic. But here you go. I seriously don't understand which pivoting point pivot at where. and distance!! Sometimes I feel so exasperate that I wish I could be the modeler of this universe and change every single stupid laws that disagree with me. So there D:<

Labels: Physics, school

My Physics teacher Mr Shone is the cutest teacher ever.
And by "cute" I mean his personality. Its so adorable ehehehe

So this junior of mine SuN and I decided to collab together to prepare a teacher's day present for Mr Shone because he is a Whovian and Whovians get excited meeting other Whovians and also an excuse to draw all eleven Doktahs and make a Tardis O3O.

And thats what we did, we divided the Doctors among us. I took 1,4,5,6,7,10. Pity I should have taken a photo before passing it to him ehehe. (=v=)a  It was my first time drawing Classic!Who and I have to say I enjoyed it very much except that I was drawing it at 3 am and thats not fun :/ I was late for school the next day. But the making of the Police Box was immensely tedious yet satisfying. So I spent a hell lot of time drawing a template on a A2 Paper and finally after a lot of trial and errors I got this: (btw I started around 11:30 am)

Labels: doctor who, school, Tardis, teachers' Day

I am very much convinced that there are assholes out there. Definitely. But I am equally convinced that for every asshole there will be two nice people who made me feel unjust claiming this is a horrible world. Thats how I survive my days mostly.

Well making friends is a terrifying experience for me. When your relations build up so smoothly you are going to wake up each day fearing what happen if the link break today. Will you be able to handle the emotional collaspe, will you be angry or guilty, will you ever be able to repair that link. Such insecurities.

I don't know whether I am overreacting this or not but I really felt so hurt and punched-in-the-face today. So it happens that we are having Teachers' Day rehearsal and we are doing the final part where the whole class come out to sing. So I dragged this closer friend of mine to the front of the stage where I don't know I'm not supposed to be there (because I thought the actors are supposed to stand in front well.). But apparently she just flung out this sentence demanding why I keep wanting to shift in front, whether I am just plain attention-seeking. That was literally a slap right across. I don't know, declaring me attention seeking is a really sensitive thing to me because it is exactly the worst trait I am trying to run away from, and past experiences caused by it was really terrible and horrendous that I simply hate being attention-seeking, and subconsciously I know I am not doing a very good job at that. To hear that coming from someone I considered closer was really painful. I can't even feel angry about her, it just feel sad and empty. Days ago we were friends and now such a sentence just rained down upon me like that, I don't even know whether to trust myself completely to any other "friends" anymore.

You know when you badly want to be charismatic and socially not-awkward and on better terms with majority of the class so that you can talk/compliment them without feeling nervous but apparently you are fucking more socially awkward than anything in the universe. There were those times I want to dance and sing on stage, to flounce, to show others my capability, to make them feel like laughing. But it struck me hard that I am just not cut out for that sort of stuff and basically not cut out for interacting. Its like you have a desire to speak out but you will only make a fool of yourself and you still do sometimes anyway. I really tried not to think how many people in the class see me irritating. Whenever I speak I am always the second important, like if someone interrupt me, whoever I am speaking to will turn away immediately to respond to that person, and henceforth forgetting about my existence after that and I will just try to fade away into the background noise or something. My opinions are rarely considered, and whenever I try to initiate a project it would either conclude with me screwing up or someone else taking over.


I tried convincing myself that I found someone everytime I grow on some friendlier terms with them. But at the end of the day it just doesn't come out well. Friends. Friends...guhhhh why must everything be so complicated where you have to guess and guess and risk the thoughts of other people.


Nah....they are not fake or anything. They are nice really, and good, good people. I like them. My classmates are cool people, I think the bestest in the level. But it is just extra hard for me to find someone of similiar wavelength, so most of the time although I fool and muck around, deep down I'm still really segregated from them by this imaginary veil or something. How I see things are really different from others and I doubt no one can really understand me though most of the time that is okay, it can get very upsetting sometimes.

BUUUUUT

nope nope depressing stuff isn't all that happens with my classmates you know. Sometimes they can be so good that I can't be more proud that I am in this class. This girl, Lesley, is a really brilliant musician. Probably the best I've ever seen. I have been to music concerts, those performed by really really professional and good pianists. But none of them struck me particularly impressive ever.

But this Lesley, I doubt its bias or anything, is really amazing. Just. Amazing. I hope she doesn't read this. Its kinda embarassing. The tunes she played was so strong and powerful. It is as though she had become the piano and its almost as though the piano is playing her instead of the other way round. What she played doive those notes of passion, you can feel it, and emotions into the auditorium. They said that the highest standard music can get is to really wipe everything else momentarily from your mind and you literally sink into the music. Well that is how I felt today. For once I actually really appreciated music, that coming from someone who have not a single ounce of musical cells in her body yes. I can almost see colours coming out of her music. This deep velvety rich red, matching the drapes of our auditorium behind her. She seems mesmerised by her own swirl of music. And it was really breathtakingly choking.

See, life is not so bad after all? I felt like crying when I was typing the front bit but eventually I turned around at the latter. Solving things again, all by myself. And its all alright. alright. alright really

Labels: life, school